Not Like The Movies

In my previous post I talked about one of my insecurities, in this post I am going to be telling you about Nathan's biggest insecurity regarding me. Nathan was always surprised at the amount of gays guys I knew, both on and off the Internet.

Being fairly new to the whole process of befriending a complete stranger from the Internet, he didn't exactly get the charm or the sense in becoming good friends with somebody from the Internet. I explained that it's a nice break from the drama that is going on in my mind. I can talk about how much I love Lady GaGa and have no judging glances scan me from head to toe. Everybody here is facing more or less of the same dilemma, so the whole point of just being yourself even if it's just from behind the movie is like an instant relief.

My net contacts were however not an issue for Nathan. I told him clearly that some of them are friends and some of them they are really good friends. Yes, I do want to meet a few of them. But I can very honestly say that there is nothing beyond friendship between us.

"And what about Ryan?", asked Nathan.

Nathan, aside from being skeptical of being in a gay relationship due to religious and social obligations, was skeptical that he is going to be the third wheel. He was concerned that if at any point Ryan would come forward and express any romantic interest in me, I'll dump him for Ryan. I laughed a little at the insecurity. He backed up his argument by telling me about a few movies who's plot involved the same story. About two best friends being in love or one of them being in love with the other. Only when the other finds another person to spend his or her life with, does the lover inside the friend get ignited and there starts a crazy cycle of push-n-pull and some large crazy emotional drama. All of which ends in the new guy getting dumped and the two best friends making their own happily ever after. He feared that this might happen to him and he really doesn't want to be hurt all over again.

Before he had explained his theory to me, I was laughing on the inside. But after listening to it, I literally had my stomach tied in knots from laughing really hard. I really didn't know how to explain that his insecurity was baseless to him without making him feel stupid. I had already been through this with him earlier when he felt that Christian could upstage him very easily. I took care of that easily, explaining that Christian and I can never fall in love. We've gotten so used to being friends, that we don't want it to change. Our ideas match on several levels, but we both know that we don't want to exchange it for anything else. Besides a previous experience with Christian led me to have a firm grip on the idea that Christian only sees me as a really good friend. I explained to Nathan that just like Christian, Ryan is also just a very good friend. Just because we're both gay, doesn't mean that we have to fall in love with each other.

He argued that Ryan is present in my life on a regular basis. I meet him daily. I talk to him daily. I hang out with him everyday. We share food and we're practically always flirting, or at least he's flirting with me. And it has been like this, since about 3 years. How can we not have any feelings towards eachother?, he argued.

Exactly! We have known each other for 3 years. If anything was meant to happen, it would have happened by now. We have even kissed once and it led to nothing. It's a memory that we laugh over at times when we are alone and think how foolish we were to do it. If I had any feelings, I would have definitely said them to Ryan by now. Ryan is also not the relationship kind. This is not my opinion, he has said this himself several times. He is somewhat skeptical when it comes to gay relationships, which was something Nathan and Ryan shared in common.

I told him that this is real life and in real life, always expect the unexpected. This bug kept biting Nathan for quite some time, it was only until when we dated in the summer that it went away. Nathan was however late in mentioning this detail to me. He was super sure then that I was indeed crazy about him and as he put it, 'Ryan didn't stand a chance!' LOL! It takes just a second for men to become boys and vice versa.

Before I forget or skip over it like the last time I got another award from Falen, the proud owner of Colorful Rants of a Fed-Up Sista. This time it's the ultra-cool IDGAF Award, the full form is I Don't Give A F*ck. Firstly I never really expected to get this one, but I'm so happy that I got it. Look at how cool and green it is;

I got three awards to pass on and I'm so not getting the time to do it. Argh! So here's the thing my 101th post is going to the official 'Spread the Love' post and I'm going to be putting down the blogs I think deserve the award. I really hope to come across more brilliant blogs by then, so that I can spread the love even more. Till the next time, take care!

Girl Power

Way back before Nathan had met me, there was another person in his life and this person happened to be a girl. Yes, Nathan was mostly gay. Rarely did any girl turn him on, but there was this one girl that managed the seemingly impossible task previously only female celebrities managed. They were a couple for sometime. In fact things were so fantastic between them that they had started planning a life for themselves. Their families were really good friends and everyone was expecting that this one is going to go long and go really good. Unfortunately that wasn't how it turned out. It didn't end smoothly and there was some heavy damage unto Nathan.

When Nathan met me, he was mostly over the girl. He had grown as a person and as a man, he refused to let things get to him. He told me the journey since then had been hard but it had forced him to grow up even more in many ways. He enjoyed being himself more now and mostly he had learned to depend on himself only. Our relationship was still in the early stages and one of my insecurities back then was loosing Nathan to her. Even if you take out the fact that she was a girl, it was also a fact that she was his childhood sweetheart. In every possible manner, she had the odds stack against me. If it ever come out to picking up the dukes, I would have gone down in 10 seconds flat no matter how hard I would have fought.

The society, especially my society; accepts only a man and woman in union as a couple. Anything else is unnatural and more or less of an abomination. Yes, 'abomination' is the word a teacher of mine recently used to describe any homosexual relation - physical or emotional. Nathan had repeatedly told me that he felt absolutely nothing for her now except for a natural sense of a genuine wish that her life turns out to be as she wants it to be - such a gentleman. Those words however didn't do anything to convince me. I still believed that this girl could blow out my candle with a simple snap of her fingers generated 10 miles away. Yes, I was incredibly insecure. However I didn't whine about it. Maybe it was all in my head and possibly it all would go away with time. Whining repeatedly would probably annoy Nathan as well.

My insecurity was high to such a level that once I even asked Nathan if he still had feelings for her. Denying it, Nathan told me there is a reason she is his past and will remain that way. They were really good, Nathan accepted that fact. However there were moments of doubt in his mind when it came to making the relationship work and Nathan pointed out to a few pointers in her that annoyed him. But he was open-minded enough to look over them. There is nothing here that I needed to be worried for or feel insecure about, he stated.

The same night I went over our conversation and I asked myself, why am I so insecure about loosing Nathan to her?. And then something like a light bulb suddenly lit up in my head. The other real reason why I was so insecure about this was that if there ever was an opportunity when Gracie came forward to take a permanent place in my life by my side; I would be seriously tempted everything I have just to be accepted and to be at somewhat ease.

But just like the girl in Nathan's past had closed any doors for Nathan, Gracie had done just the same with me. She had closed every possible door, leaving us to be nothing more than very good friends. We're such good friends that people have often mistaken us for a couple. We're such good friends that Gracie's mother once asked her if she's considering me for something long-term. We're such good friends that Ryan believes we can actually become one of those it couples as the chemistry is literally right there. I know it! I knew it! She doesn't! Or maybe she does, can't say!

The only way to get over this insecurity is to get over the idea that Gracie and I could be something together. The time when I opened my mouth, it was horrible. Our friendship was shattered to such an extent that I didn't expect it to ever get back to how it was. But I worked hard on it and we're back. She still confides in me. I'm still the only guy who she allows to share her plate. She is still open to considering things I suggest. So maybe that's the way things are meant to be.

We would be just really good friends. However no matter how good of a friend she will be, I can't ever tell her everything about me.

With those thoughts I put a pause on the Gracie page in my life. Yes, she's my sweetheart! But if I don't let her go, I won't ever be fully secure about Nathan and me. Girl Power!, it gets the best in all of us - straight or gay, really doesn't make any difference.