Magic of Cyberspace

I was over at Ryan's place yesterday for a group study. It was the two of us with a couple of other friends of mine. We had collected over at Ryan's place because all of his family was away so there would be no disturbances and interruptions. I made sure that some girls were coming before heading over myself. If it's just boys, absolutely no studying gets accomplished and the entire time goes by with us fooling around. Girls have this magical ability to keep the guys in line.

After everyone left, Ryan invited me to his room. He wanted to show me something. He switched on the monitor screen, "Did you stumble on some new type of porn?", I asked. Sometime ago Ryan shared a clip with me of some white dude screwing a pig. It wasn't porn, just a video shot with a cheap video camera. For some ridiculous reason, Ryan found it incredibly funny. I found it plain senseless. Was that guy so frigg'in desperate?, I wondered.

"You have got to check these guys out!", Ryan told me excitedly. He opened a gay networking site and logged into his account.

"You know I hate these places, right?", I asked Ryan as I saw what he was upto.

"Whatever! You still gotta see these dudes! I can't believe Pakistan how so many good looking guys!", Ryan said without taking his eyes off the screen. "And here, I thought I was the only adonis to grace our wattan ki mitti! (Translation; Nation's soil!)"

I laughed at his arrogance and wit, only Ryan can meld the two. I have to admit some of those guys were extremely good looking, even though alot of them had not sported on their face pics on their profiles. But with a bod like that, he could be a 'Brown Bag Special' for all I care.

"Why the sudden interest? As far as I know, you have had your account for quite some time. You must have already hooked up with several of them!" I told him.

"Okay, I'm hurt now!" he objected. "I do not hook up as much as you expect me to. Also you are extremely judgmental about hooking up, so for just a small time I want you to open up that little noggin of yours!"

As he scrolled through the various profiles, I realized that not all of the guys present were sex-starved beasts. Some of them actually seemed decent. There were even a few looking for relationship or friends. I haven't really gone to these sites before because of my firm opinion that these places are the collecting point for everything that I find unappealing about gays. "So what is it that you wanted to show me?", I asked impatiently.

"A few days back I was scrolling through Facebook and I came across your profile." he told me.

"So what? You do know I have a profile and I used to be on your list!" I told him back.

"I mean your other profile!", he told again laying emphasis on the word 'other'. I realized what he meant by that. "Why? Why create another one?" he asked me. "Why do you keep on creating gay profiles on these social networking sites?"

I didn't know how to respond to that. "To interact with other gay guys obviously!", I told him blankly.

"Then why not do it where it's actually meant to be done?", he asked me. "These are gay social networking sites!", he told me. "These are meant for gay guys to interact, whether they want to hook-up or make friends or even get involved!"

I was still silent. I did not know how to respond to his statement. He wasn't wrong after all.

"I'm not telling you to shut down your Facebook profile. But whatever you do their, you can do that here and have a greater shot at getting something in return!", Ryan explained.

"I don't expect anything in return!"

"I know you are looking for friends. So why not make friends that you can actually meet up with?", he asked. "I understand you have all these great friends from India, UK, Australia and where not! But won't it be better to actually have friends you could go out with and sit down with!", he explained.

"I have!", I told him. "I have you! You're gay! You're my friend!" I joked.

"Did you just flirt with me?", he asked.

"If the shoe fits!"

"You did!" Ryan laughed. "Still it doesn't change the fact that you are doing it all wrong! Also I'm bi-sexual"

Ignoring the last face, I asked him"If I'm doing it all wrong, how come I haven't messed up yet?"

"Look! There is a way one should do thing and you are doing it wrong. I can't tell you what to do and what not to do. You're 22. You can do that yourself now!"

"You are sounding alot like my mom now, you know?", I told him. "It's so unappealing!" I joked.

"Whatever!" Ryan replied. "You have no idea what you're missing!". He shut off the monitor once again and we talked abit about random stuff. I left a little while later, had to reach home before dark. Later that night when I was doing my late night e-mail checking ritual, I visited the same night. I wondered if it would be worth it making an account there. I'm not looking for a relationship. I want friends. Facebook and Orkut have been very good at doing that job uptill now. I'm content with what I have.

Quoting the words of a recent extremely bright 17 year old I started communicating with recently, I can't help but agree.

But we are free to bare our souls here...as people who shall most probably never meet...it is ironic how you may not get to see another face to face all their life but still get to know them well...this is the magic of cyberspace!

Not Like The Movies

In my previous post I talked about one of my insecurities, in this post I am going to be telling you about Nathan's biggest insecurity regarding me. Nathan was always surprised at the amount of gays guys I knew, both on and off the Internet.

Being fairly new to the whole process of befriending a complete stranger from the Internet, he didn't exactly get the charm or the sense in becoming good friends with somebody from the Internet. I explained that it's a nice break from the drama that is going on in my mind. I can talk about how much I love Lady GaGa and have no judging glances scan me from head to toe. Everybody here is facing more or less of the same dilemma, so the whole point of just being yourself even if it's just from behind the movie is like an instant relief.

My net contacts were however not an issue for Nathan. I told him clearly that some of them are friends and some of them they are really good friends. Yes, I do want to meet a few of them. But I can very honestly say that there is nothing beyond friendship between us.

"And what about Ryan?", asked Nathan.

Nathan, aside from being skeptical of being in a gay relationship due to religious and social obligations, was skeptical that he is going to be the third wheel. He was concerned that if at any point Ryan would come forward and express any romantic interest in me, I'll dump him for Ryan. I laughed a little at the insecurity. He backed up his argument by telling me about a few movies who's plot involved the same story. About two best friends being in love or one of them being in love with the other. Only when the other finds another person to spend his or her life with, does the lover inside the friend get ignited and there starts a crazy cycle of push-n-pull and some large crazy emotional drama. All of which ends in the new guy getting dumped and the two best friends making their own happily ever after. He feared that this might happen to him and he really doesn't want to be hurt all over again.

Before he had explained his theory to me, I was laughing on the inside. But after listening to it, I literally had my stomach tied in knots from laughing really hard. I really didn't know how to explain that his insecurity was baseless to him without making him feel stupid. I had already been through this with him earlier when he felt that Christian could upstage him very easily. I took care of that easily, explaining that Christian and I can never fall in love. We've gotten so used to being friends, that we don't want it to change. Our ideas match on several levels, but we both know that we don't want to exchange it for anything else. Besides a previous experience with Christian led me to have a firm grip on the idea that Christian only sees me as a really good friend. I explained to Nathan that just like Christian, Ryan is also just a very good friend. Just because we're both gay, doesn't mean that we have to fall in love with each other.

He argued that Ryan is present in my life on a regular basis. I meet him daily. I talk to him daily. I hang out with him everyday. We share food and we're practically always flirting, or at least he's flirting with me. And it has been like this, since about 3 years. How can we not have any feelings towards eachother?, he argued.

Exactly! We have known each other for 3 years. If anything was meant to happen, it would have happened by now. We have even kissed once and it led to nothing. It's a memory that we laugh over at times when we are alone and think how foolish we were to do it. If I had any feelings, I would have definitely said them to Ryan by now. Ryan is also not the relationship kind. This is not my opinion, he has said this himself several times. He is somewhat skeptical when it comes to gay relationships, which was something Nathan and Ryan shared in common.

I told him that this is real life and in real life, always expect the unexpected. This bug kept biting Nathan for quite some time, it was only until when we dated in the summer that it went away. Nathan was however late in mentioning this detail to me. He was super sure then that I was indeed crazy about him and as he put it, 'Ryan didn't stand a chance!' LOL! It takes just a second for men to become boys and vice versa.

Before I forget or skip over it like the last time I got another award from Falen, the proud owner of Colorful Rants of a Fed-Up Sista. This time it's the ultra-cool IDGAF Award, the full form is I Don't Give A F*ck. Firstly I never really expected to get this one, but I'm so happy that I got it. Look at how cool and green it is;

I got three awards to pass on and I'm so not getting the time to do it. Argh! So here's the thing my 101th post is going to the official 'Spread the Love' post and I'm going to be putting down the blogs I think deserve the award. I really hope to come across more brilliant blogs by then, so that I can spread the love even more. Till the next time, take care!

Let Me Do It My Way

I woke up in the middle of last night - again. It's been happening very frequently since the past few days. I get up repeatedly in the middle of the night and take about an hour to fall asleep again. But then my mom wakes me up about two hours later and I groggy for the next couple of hours. I'm completely hating it. Ryan suggested some anti-anxiety pills and sleep medication. I can't begin to tell you how tempting the suggestion seemed, but I have decided not to resort to it. People tend to get addicted to them and become dependent on them for the rest of their life. Yes, it helps for a while. But it's no permanent solution.

I didn't tell him the reason though because it involves Nathan. Lately just about whenever I mention Nathan, he tightens his jaws and looks straight ahead. If I had X-ray vision, I bet I could see him biting his tongue as well. It's caused some fights between the two of us and I really don't have the energy to fight him on it anymore, especially after the fight today. Maybe I don't need to tell him. Given how well he knows me, I have a feeling he may already have some idea about it.

It was all taking place in whispered hushes during one of our classes. At the end of the class, Ryan disappeared. He didn't show up for the second class but he was present during the rounds. He's totally convinced that Nathan had a chronic case of cold feet. Ryan felt that sooner or later, he would back off. He told me about this sometime in April, when I was still involved with Nathan. Nathan was aware of this notion and he really didn't care. He had his own issues with Ryan for a while but at least I was able to solve them.

Surprisingly Ryan's thoughts didn't come as a shock to me, Ryan has never really liked any of the guys I have gone out with or even the ones I have crushed upon. He thinks I have the absolute worst taste when it comes to getting guys. Looking back at my romantic history, a part of me feels that he maybe on to something.

As I mentioned in the last para, Ryan and I had a fight. It all started when he asked me how long would I take to get over Nathan. I didn't know, so I told him exactly that. Given that I have exams from next month, I'm trying really really hard not to think about Nathan at any given moment of the day. He pressed me for an answer, giving me options of various time period. It was getting irritating. "I don't know. Don't you get it?", I growled.

"No! I don't! That's why I'm asking you!"

"What do you not get?", I asked. I just wanted him to shut up and let me concentrate on the lecture.

"I don't get why do you still having feelings for him! Most of the things you wanted, he had a problem with. So how could you be happy with him?", he asked me.

"Things can be negotiated!", I told him.

"They can! But you didn't negotiate. He said, you obeyed. Like a good little housewife!" he told me. There was silence for a while. "The only way I can figure it all added up is that either the sex was really good or he looked like an Abercombie & Fitch model! So what was it?"

Hearing that coming from Ryan, I totally lost it. "So I like being a little submissive. Is that really a crime? And not everything gets measured by body-rocking sex! And what is your problem?"

"My problem is that you are my best friend. And you don't get how much it sucks to see you miserable!"

"Whatever!", I said packing my books and moved a few benches ahead. I turned behind after sometime to see if he was still sitting there. Fortunately or unfortunately I can't quite decide, he wasn't there. He was probably hanging outside the boys common room. It is a plain simple fact at the end of the day, I don't know. I don't know when will I start feeling better again. I don't know when all the memories of Nathan will become just memories, with no feelings attached to them what so ever. Another person has been pressuring me to get over Nathan, I'm going to get to him sometime soon over here. It's not like I'm ungrateful to Ryan for helping me get better. He wanted to be there with me when I broke up. I do appreciate it! But I can't rush through this.

Personally I just wish that people around me would stop bringing Nathan up in conversation or when I deny some little thing, they would not ask me if it's because I'm still hung up on Nathan. Because of this I have lately started hanging out with my family more. Awesome distraction and nobody knows Nathan so nobody can ask anything about him or us. Blissful to the core, I tell you!

All I'm asking from people is to let me do it my own way. That's all!